ed
2:23 PM

Thursday, January 30, 2003  
Just had a talk with TIm and I think that he is right in sometimes being that you cannot be a nice person. YOu need to make the initiative sometimes. Girls are there, you need to go and make the move. If not, you will lose that moment forever and it will never come back. You need to sit down and think about what you appreciate and like to do, and then aim for it hard and truthfully. Do not think of other people. You will never know unless you try.

ed
4:09 PM

 
They can then learn how to maintain balance in their lives and their habits. They practice being less compulsive nurturers. They begin to trust themselves and be a bit more open with others. They learn to maintain a childlike attitude of gratitude and wonderment. And, they learn to be less sensitive to outside turmoil.

"The reason that depression is so pervasive is that society is losing its sense of security and moral fiber in both the family and in the community. As it's losing its fiber we're losing our sense of purpose and personal value. At the same time we need to look at the spiritual component that gives us a sense of wholeness and peace when looking for solutions."

Those who understand depression agree, with Heddi, "I need people, but I need people that I can be myself with. And, I need to find a way to make sense out of the madness I face every day I walk out my front door. When things get off balance, I need to make some changes. Alone I can't do it."
12:13 AM

Wednesday, January 29, 2003  
When a guy dates a girl, they have within themselves a relationship that is really not that exclusive. It is love, but they still have their own individual dreams and goals. It is a tough thing. They live their separate lives and come together from time to time. It is something. Each of them has to have their own dreams. Love cannot be everything

you need to realize that.

Love is not all that happens in a relationship,. sometimes there is love, but living together does not work out nevertheless. It is tough. It always is

you need to live your own life and have your own dreams edmund. Determine what does are and live by them and through them. Try to achieve them. You might have to go through it alone but I guess everyone does. So fight hard. Love is around the corner and it might just be there, but remember that it is not essential to life and all. You can survive without love. For now, reason being because you have your family that you can rely on. They are there for you. They will be there for you. Girls leave and come, Family always stay there. Yes they do.

take care of yourself and your family Edmund.
10:39 PM

 
I am an idiot that does not know what he is doing in this word at all. I lose out in everything., I do not meet expectations at all and all. Why is this so. I can't get the girl because I am too slow. I do not know. I just find myself so behind everyone else and find myself catching up all the time.

I cannot be like that, I cannot play catch up all the time. I need to take the initiative. I need to take the initiative in everything I do.........

it is tough. it always has been for me. I have to find a meaning in life besides finding true love. It is too early to search for that now. Right now, It is time to look for work and work hard in what I do. Yep. It is all about studying right now. That is the most imporatnt thing right now, sadly. I just have to go through it like that. Hahaha

I need to improve myselfso that I can deserve her when I do meet her. That she will like being with me and all. ..........words cannot describe how i feel right now. Nothing can describe it, main;y because i am analyzed it too much and I now I really do not know what i am talking about at all.

I have done more than is required of me.
I have wasted my time on something that simply will not help me in any way. I have wasted my time. and I realize that right now. I realize that that time could have been used to make myself look better and to make myself better in many things that I do. It is true and I am ashamed to have bad grades right now. I am really ashamed and I do not know what to do. how can I change something that I have been living by for such a long time? How do I change? I need to find something else that I can have a passion for. Girls is the passion I have now. I need to change because having that as my passion is very unproductive. Unproductive I think. It is sad but that's the truth. Yep. I think so. Hhahaha.

Maybe Studying is a good passion, maybe doing web sites and maybe doing models. I have my choice. I can do anything I want pretty much. ANything at all. I have any choice to pick and the world is out there for me to pick.........

But I think I will not be able to decide as I have seen the past few weeks and year. It is something that I find myself, looking for here and there. It is sad, and it is getting tiring, but I cannot stop it. I just cannot. ...please give me the strength to find something to have a passion for and all. Please give me that strength. Please..............I need to get my mind off girls for now at least.

Girls..........now let's analyze this, why would I want to have girlfriend? What are the advantages? Someone to care for. Smeone to care about me. Fulfilling human emotion for someone. Filling that void I feel everyday to care for someone and love them for who they are. The unknown area of love, I guess, there is so much in that area that I simply, cannot find something that I do not like about it. It is so attractive to me. The pull to be placed in a relationship with a person you love and care and how it will allow me to grow as a person and as an adult. I will be able to grow and care. She will also be there for me and care and lead me through the tough times I have. I have had a lot of hard times and it is very tough going through it without support. And I see more hard times coming. hahaha...oh well.

Good luck edmund, Maybe you could take up music and all. Maybe......
ed
9:43 PM

Saturday, January 25, 2003  
I haven't posted for a while, I think because I keep telling myself that I have changed. But i think I have not. I am still the Edmund as before. I start out very motivated to study and that motivation slowly slides off and gone, what can I say?? I do not know. I can't help but cry here and there, its sad and I know that. But only I can figure out what I want to do in life. Only I can figure out what is wrong and what is wrong with thinking and attitude, It is all there. Many friends are always there to help you out, but you need to sit down and realize for yourself, what you need to do. WHat I need to do. I cannot sit down and let life pass by me like it is nothing, I am slowly getting left behind in this fast paced world. I need to come out on top. I guess that can be my passion. Taking care of myself and my brain and for once, bringing myself as the number one priority right now in life. That is the most important thing I can do now. With myself, being healthier and my mind more sharp, I will be able to use my brainpower to solve school problems and everything else that is more important....i tell myself that all the time...
but the realizty is that I am lonely.

that is not a good reason and you know that.
Your mom was there and she told you herself.

I need to keep myself busy and doing things. I have to do things I do not like, because, hey, its towards my degree and everything. its tough, but hey its true and all. Life is meant to be unpredictable, You cannot predict all the time. Life is not a business either. It is about living it yourway.

And somtimes, you just have to live it yourself. You just have to.
I have to be alone sometimes and maybe i don't most of time, but i have to go out there and find those friends to hang out with. They are out there, I just need to go and hang out with them. Hanging out with them is great, But I always have to remember what my priorities are in life. My school work and my life. Finding tthat balance is always the hardest thing you can do in life. It always is.

To put my mind to my work when my work comes around, and to put my mind to love and life when the time comes around. Do not mix them together because then you will find yourself wasting time. switching from one to another. It is tough, always seems to be . The brain can only do one thing at a time, so organize yourself and make your mind do the right thing for that time. The time which goes away and is then only a memory and cannot come back ever again.

Time flies Edmund, so use it wisely and with passion that you have towards yourself right now. The passion that you are hiding from everyone around you. That passion has to be released and shown to the world. You need to show what Edmund is capable of and how he realliy studies and cares about his friends. Then I will beccome and master of time management.

Release that passion into things that you like doing and spend time doing things all over the place. Priorities come first and then the rest of your time can be spent doing other things that you want to do. Life is sort of an artform and we do it according to how we want it. our own way. Wer leave our own mark on it. Edmund, leaves yours and do not think too much about the past.

You can think for yourself now, makes mistakes because everyone does. Learn from them. Don;t be afraid to take chances, because what's the worse that can happen besides never finding out what could have happened.

Ask the girl that you find attractive, because the worse that can happen is that she says no. and then that it, you go on with your life and she goes on with hers.

It is not what you did in life that matters but what you can do in life.

you can do many great things and you know you can, you are in the position to make those mistakes, so make them and succeed from those experiences.

You made bad grades, learn from that experience and grow from it, and do not allow it to happen again. Do not allow your subconsious to reign over this. Bad habits should go away. You will use brainpower to motivate you to do what is right. Right.

I will work towards getting rid of all my bad habits. I will. And through that, my self-esteem will increase and I will accomplish more great things and great companionship will always come as a result.

have faith Edmund and you will succeed. Faith in your abilities and yourself. Faith in your family and the people around you. Have faith in that they will do what is predestined for them, and that you will do what is asked of you.

thus you will become a responsible citizen and person.

3:23 PM