ed
7:07 PM

Tuesday, February 26, 2002  
Well, I don't think the schools will aceept me. i am doing bad..like my mum tells me. Well, I need to study hard to be able to go to any school I want to go to. It is hard but it is true.
11:10 AM

Monday, February 25, 2002  
What a weekend...I do not know what to say about it and whther I know anything about it. I went to duke and i came back determined to transfer. Why? I do not know. Because I think I saw the life I wanted to college. The life that I have been hopping from in college. The life that I am not getting in Georgia Tech. It is because this school is a technical school. It is to develope students that will succeed in the engineering disicpline with disicpline. It is not to develop the students as a whole. I don't think I will be happy here in this school. I truly do not think I will. People are ignoring me and when I want to do activities, its hard because no one is around for them or anything at all.

I will consider transfering to a few schools.

Duke

Emory

ANd maybe some others. I have to think about that. What can I do?
I do not know. Mom is mad at you but she does not understand what type of life I am leading here. I just want a peaceful life but eveyrthing here is going soo fast. Too fast for me. Because I am in the city and well, I just can't live a comfortable life this way. I am going to try hard to get to those schools. Its the only thing worth looking forward to. And if I do not get in. I guess I will be sad. But I guess I wasn't ready or meant to go there. I guess I made the worst decision of my life. I thought I had everything planned out. But I guess, I do not. I do not. I think I know everything but I guess I do not.

I do not.

Mom says it too. I am not good in english. Why? Because I don't read books. I say now that I am not good in engineering. Then What am I good at? I do not know. If I want to go to Duke, or any liberal arts college. I then must work hard to achieve that. That I must work hard to see that I get to somewhere like that. Its sad but you put yourself in this position. You let yourself think too much and you thought that you knew what was happening. I guess no one can truly know what is happeneing around them You can adapt, but the world around you is spontaneous. Yes it is. I hope other people learn that and I hope I do. I truly hope I do. yes.

I don't think fraternity is for me. Its a life that goes too fast for myself. I don't even have time to think or anything. It is too fast and too full of drinking and smoking and evreything. I think I have decided to depledge. I do not belong there. I seriously do not belong there. As I do not belong here in Tech. I will try to live the rest of my days here hard with work and all. But the goal now is to work to get out of this school.

That is your goal now.

It is the only thing that will make you happy and make you study well.

good luck.
Edmund
1:43 PM

Friday, February 22, 2002  
Tonight...or should I say last night and no sleep. WHat can I say. Oh well, all I can say is that CS is somethng that you need to delete code and rewrite it if it does not work. That is what happened. I wrote too much code and the program would not run. I need to master how all these programs work. It is hard but I must do anyhow. I mean, I hate programming because I always get stuck in situations whihc I do not know how to get out of. The same thing happened in scheme and there is wasted up to 6 hours trying to figure out a small problem. That sucks. It does. but I guess I have to suck it up and ask for the help of the TA. they know the best and what the code should be like and maybe explain what is happening. oh well.

There is a lot of guys after Frances if you did not know. i kind of realized that a long time ago. She being such a likable person it would only be natural if she was chased after by many guys. Oh well, I guess I have to be positive and happy for her. I do not want to get in their way. I will be her friend. And that's it. She alreay has a boyfriend so getting into their relationship is something that I do not want to do.

Back to laundry at 7 o'clock in the morning. Have fun in duke.
7:39 AM

Thursday, February 21, 2002  
I just posted my web diary on my Georgia Tech web site which no one goes to. Should I have done that?
2:19 PM

 
The amazing word...or should I say mysterious. I don't know. It just seems so weird to think about. Anyway. What can I say? nothing I guess. "being". What does it mean to me?

"being"

I do not know. It is just being myself. It is not thinking or doing anything. It is being oneself. It is just the art of being.

being is the state in which you are yourself. Relaxed and free from the problems of the world. That is being. That is what you have when you are on vacation. But you can also have it everyday during school and work. I just need to practise it and try to do it. The art of not doing or thinking. being.

2:15 PM

Wednesday, February 20, 2002  
So here I am in the computer lab. I just finished the design assignment and taking this moment to rets a little. You need to do a lot tonight and tommorrow night if you want to have fun this weekend in Duke University. I mean, programming is hard and all. But you must finish it. I must cover everything well, so I know what is happening and so that I can do well in this class. It just gets complicated after this. I must be strong and brave.

Anyway, I went to dinner with Frances and I thought it was pretty cool. I mean, besides making such an idiot out of myself. We talked a little and she explained the CS concepts to me. I don't know. I might get it but I do not know unless I try out the code myself. Anyway, we also talked about Jennifer's 'date' which she says is not. The funny part is that she is going to see a sexual jeopardy. That is funny.

Anyway, as I sat in CS recitation today I thought of something. As I was thinking Frances and her boyfriend. I was wondering if I could ever wake up in my bed and be next to a person I love dearly. Someone that I would regard as the most precious object and person to me in the world. I do not know because it does not seem that can happen to me. i do not know. I do not know. I just feel that it just ain't possible. I try hard but I can never get a girl to like me and all. I have always failed in any of myn trys. I have lost friends on the way too. I have lost everything. I do not understand. but what can I say? Nothing. Pretty much nothing. I can't deny it. I see the facts and they are true. I am just not being myself. I should be myself and maybe I will find someone that will like me for who I am.

Yeah, like me for who I am.

that doesn't seem possible. But things happen when you least expect it.

Don't try to predict the future. Just ne prepared for it and let it happen.

anyway I guess i will talk to you later.
8:58 PM

 
well, I guess the morning and afternoon went pretty smoothly. I think all was good. I woke up early and went to my physics lab. I finshed my lab in an 1 and a half. I then went back to my dorm. Took my stuff and went to breakfast. I then went and took the MMPI exam for my psychologist. I then spent the next 2 hours with my CS TA while she explained what was wrong in my code and how I could fix. It she explained it so easily that I am thinking that I am really thinking beyond myslef.

Next time I code, its better off i understand what I am doing completely then code. Doing so will make me see why the code does not compile and see the code as a whole and not many lines of code. That is how I will get over getting scared that the code is too long or that 20 lines of code is 'scary'.

ANyway, the strategy now is to go over your labs and do them again. That way you can review and learn the concepts all over again. You must do this because you are behind and you didn't really concentrate that much on it before.
2:02 PM

Tuesday, February 19, 2002  
the GOAL : To show everyone that I can ACTUALLY program and show them that I am good at what I do.
9:20 PM

 
nothing. Much. Talk to Vivie Susanto for a while and she said that she spends a lot of time hanging out with the Indonesians. Reminds me of how bad I am in indonesian. Actually, I don't even know any indonesian. Oh boy. Well, gotta tell my mum that.
8:54 PM

 
You like programming and you know it. It is just that you find it hard to find someone tell teach you the roots of how programming works and leanr how to program right. It is hard but you must motivate yourself because you really like coding. You have done it for so long. It will come to you easily if you just do more programming. You will know it in your head. That is how programming works, just like math. you need practice. Only through prcatice can you master the art or doing it. Math and programming is not facts. It is solving problems. Isn't that the reason why you became an engineer?
8:34 PM

 
Well, I just got out of class or should I say recitation. It has really been very educational. I find it very interesting that I can learn so much and not fall asleep while in Frances' recitation. Yes. I did not even fall asleep in being in there for 2 hours. Amazing ehh? Anyway, my plan now is to go there every week and go to my other one too. Despite not liking the TA there. I just don't like the little short one. She is not really friendly and grades tough. What can I say? Oh by the way I think you should start exercising. Remember how good you felt everytime you exercise? good right? I don't know. I should try to fins time to execise evry morning or afternoon after class. Somehow figure a way to because it is a good way to take care of myself and spend the time good. DOn't be lazy edmund, spend the time exercising and then you will be very alert when you study later on. OK?? later then.
8:22 PM

 

Yeah, this is pretty much a new site that I just set up. No work done
on it yet. Its been close to 2 years since I started a new site so i thought
maybe I start now. Putting my thoughts online and maybe putting up a diary
or past entries. Well, I am not too keen in putting my diary entries here
but I guess I could make the exception with a few that will not reveal
anythign that I do not want being told. Anyway, I guess. This is a good
start.