Thursday, April 25, 2002
What did I talk about today in psychology therapy? Well, we had a consultant in and he brought up some interesting things such as that taking the medicine will help me get more answers. Ideas and understanding will pop up better because when i am depressed, the thought process is slowed and I do not think as well, by taking the medicine, I will think better and get those problems better solved.
Another thing we talk about is that I am missing an identity or have been trying to find an identity through therapy. Its something which I have been doing for a while and it has just been gone and off. Anyway, I try to search for that identitry and it has been shown through me talking to jodi about it and all. Another thing is that I find it hard that way to say anything because I am always trying to be people that I am not. That is the trend that I need to get out of
I also talked to the secretary of the gatech counselling office and she says that the school is bad too. The attitude of the professors and how they treat the students. I am beginnning to think the reason why the school does so well, is because of the COOP program and how lots of students are getting jobs already which is offered by their coop assignment. That is why the starting salary is so high.
I think this school is not for you. It does not match you and it is not like you. The attitude is wrong and you can choose to come back here in the future if you want to anytime. So why bother not leaving now to a better college experience. School here is overated. Very much overated. College work is not a full time job entirely, but this school makes it so. There should be time to learn other stuff and who you are and all.
Anyway talk to you later and have fun this summer. Study hard for the finals Edmund, because you need to.
Monday, April 22, 2002
a few things happened this semester that triggered many thoughts about life...well today is a good example...you can't predict the future..things happen and you never see them coming..that's the weird part about life...very weird...indeed...hahaha..oh well, Edmund, you just have to calm down and see what life is at the moment...hmm..
you need to see that ..you said this before, but you cannot live your life around women..live your life with constant similar...live each day to the fullest and you will achive much that way...sure, you do not have a car, but you can get rides....don't presume that people feel bad giving you rides, because they do not...they don't..you presume so much about people and think that they will not change when you really know that they do..no one stays the same forever, everyone changes...
you have to realize that evryone makes their own decisions, if they want to come then they decided to come...never take a rejection personally, it would be wrong and not right..it would also make you unhappy and think of things that you do not need to...it is frustrating to think constantly and doing so is horrible, don't do that...calm your mind and do things you enjoy, because you will find people that you will indeed like being around..not people that you think you will match with but people that you will know that are like you and you like being around them...that is the sort of crowd that you look for...
Koon was there today with I think her name is christine..I am not sure..but she is from Miami...I do not know much,..but i guess I am presuming that he is doing fine with women and that I should not approach the girl at all, my presumption has every reason to be wrong and there is no doubt that I am possibly wrong...yes..Koon has recently danced with lots of girls...because he has a car? I think not..it is because of his positive thinking and the stuff he so strongly follows..he dresses consistently and he probably does not stay in his dorm most of the day like I do..I need to get out of my house..it is the same thing in PR, you don't like being at home so you leave..that is what you should be doing..going out more often and getting to know people, that is your goal next semester.
there is no guarantee that you will make tons of friends in emory or duke but you know that you like it in Atlanta, you just need to get out a little more often and hang out more..that is what is missing. Ha, oh well...what can I say...you need to follow your goals and dreams and they should be for you and not for others...think about yourself for once ina change and be smart and happy and positive like you were. Sure..grow up too but just improve slightly on your personality, you have a great personality...and good one that can sociallize very well...be brave to make mistakes and learn..its all part of life...learn and do not presume...it is a changing world...but always maintain your morals and do not make yourself do things that you know is illegal and you do not approve and like...follow you own ideals and not those of others..
you always typoe a lot of stuff but you really do not know if it will come to your head. Just make yourself do work and get busy...if you study.and get tired, read a chapter of a book or listen to one music track to take your mind off for a while...that small while will allow you to concentrate for the next few hours...yes it will, because you have done it before...oh well..just take care of yourself and learn...everyday is something new to try out...if you do not go out there to try it out, you will take longer to learn it and all.
Just learn and be positive about it...just chill....be brave and be dareful..don't be shy and do not presume...work hard for yourself..then maybe you will become that person that is truly satisfied with himself...whatever way that may be...there is no other person that can be like you or be similar to you..everyone has their individual special traits and those traits are what everyone in this world special..someone else's trait might attract you to learn it but overall, you as a whole is what will make you happy and proud.
Sunday, April 14, 2002
EDMUND remember that life is very exciting...that life is great and that you should expect something great every single day...live everyday to your best..because its great..yes..its the best and you need to believe that for the next few days..believe it in all your days...because it's a strong motivation for all the work you need to do everyday of your life...yes...everyday..all is possible...all..
try to make that true....you need to control yourself ..there are many things you could do to work towards that and you know them.
getting aim stopped..unless for academic reasons
stop excessive listening to music
motivate yourself to study..because life is great and studying is a learning process...it really is and you know that..yes you do...
There is so much to do in life...that is what makes it so great...if you do not live life to its fullest everyday..you lose that experience..you really do
you lose it all...that time is gone and it won't come back..no it won't..haha
shopping was great and so is taking a haircut..these small things make life so exciting and great..and so is drinking...because it clears your mind..
realize that Edmund ..that partying is natural because it is all about having fun and relaxing...for once...
but also knowing when to stop and control and that is when you know that drugs is wrong and hard drinking is wrong..you know that
you need to find a balance and that is what you need to work on.
Thursday, April 11, 2002
its been a while since I wrote to you...a long while...I guess I am becoming more of a dead person...I seem so tired most of the time..no motivation at all...none at all...I need to cheer up and chill...what can I say I need to cheer up...I need to cheer up..its just that I feel so overwhelmed...I am...I left everything till now and that is why I feel so much on my shoulders...its all over me...work that I need to catch up on...work here and there...what can I say?...ha...I do not know...I do not know...oh well....I was wondering...maybe you need to see things one aspect at a time...aim to do this and work on it....then proceed to something else...that way you can accomplish more than you did in the past few days...
what can I say about the past few days/....ha..I slept all day and woke up like soooo late ..I do not know why..3:00 was it?..wow...i guess I have lost track of my goals in life and why I have to pursue them..I just life by as i go...its funny but its the only thing to do...yeah..I need to find a new goal..I am not a positive person that you set out to be ..you need to be a positive person...its very important that you do that...very important...very important indeed....yes...ha...help me find my goal...dear god or almightly essence...help me find the goal in my life....what is that main goal right now?..i know that i want a happy family and a good life with my children and love from other people..that's what i want in the long term...just happiness...that's it...and what is my short term goals?
what are those short terms goals that I need to achieve to be able to succeed..I need to do well, in school....that is the reality..I need to do well, in my classes...doing so will put me closer to becoming that stable and smart person..it is the only way....right now...your parents have given you that chance..all you have to do is take that chance and make the most out of it...its the small hope that you have within you that will power you to do well from now on...its that small hope and aspiration...its that small little glow in you that you will rely on..its there..its what makes you such a nice person...its what makes you go look for help and ask for help....its what makes you go and see your professors....its that small little hope in you that you will rely on to succeed till you get to Puerto Rico and till this semester ends..don't find any reason behind it..there is no reason...because you have no time to think or analyse
you only have hope and the chance to pass...you need to pass..do not understand the whole picture...solve problems one aspect at a time...and you will solve the whole picture...you need to take it one aspect at a time and then you will be successful and achieve more than you ever dreamed possible...yes...only through that way....only through that way...hope edmund...hope...its all you have
don't cry edmund..because there are many out there who are discovering themselves...you must have hope and you must believe that you will get out of this OK if you work hard ...just work hard for the next 3 weeks...that's all that you need to do..its the only thing you need to do...its all...you need to do...you are ok..forget about the past...don't regret over it...there is nothing you can do about it...nothing at all..nothing at all...you need to look into the future and be the best you can..study and learn the things that you have not...things and information that you will need in the future....yes...they are required very much in the future....yes...very much...
Friday, April 05, 2002
now I justify what I think about CS2. I think I am going too fast in the classes. I need to do well, in the classes that I need to take. I can afford to take CS2 next year because I really did not learn anything from it this year. Nothing from it. I was not sharp enough to be able to concentrate and do good in it. What can I say. its tough but its the reality that I face. If I really want to learn from this class, I have to go to classes which I have not been doing. Its something that i have to consider next year. Yes, something I do have to consider. when the time comes...yes, when the time comes....you have to pass physics and you have to pass Calculus...those two are the important classes....
Edstrom in: hey, just wondering
Edstrom in: would be interested in going to dinner next week?
PaRdEeGuRL: to tell you the truth, i dont think i would be comfortable going to dinner alone
Edstrom in: yeah
Edstrom in: that's cool
Edstrom in: I was just thinking that date auction date wasn't really such a great date
Edstrom in: but its cool
Edstrom in: but thanks for telling me
Edstrom in: what you mean by alone anyway?
PaRdEeGuRL: jsut us two
Edstrom in: cool
PaRdEeGuRL: i'm cool jsut being friends ya know
Edstrom in: ;-)
Edstrom in: I understand
Edstrom in: its cool that you are telling me straight up
Edstrom in: thanks
PaRdEeGuRL: good you understand
Edstrom in: yeah
Edstrom in: ;-)
I'm thinking right now that I know what math is ....this school is really not that hard...even Juan told ou what he thought about Harvard. its really intense there too, and as I sit here in my room, I don't think the course load is that much anyway, because all I have now is math and problems to solve...not that many essays to write...isn't that what you wanted?...isn't that? sit down and think about it...yeah, think about it...all you need to do fine in these classes is to practise and do your math...that's it...if you practise, then you will know the stuff pretty well, and do it pretty well, you know that because you were good in math in the past by practising a lot in it...now you find it hard because you are behind and you have not really practised it at all..yeah...so sit down and think about it...yeah think about it..
maybe its the environment....maybe you just do not like the place you are staying right now...it sucks I know..that not everyone seems to be smart as you thought...but its cool anyway isn't it..?...the school is good, you just need to maybe go out more and find those people somewhere...those people are out there somewhere...yeah...yeah, what should you have expected?..you came here expecting it to be like Harvard...with everyone being a smart person and cool...while you knew that you were going to a public school...you knew that..yes you knew...oh well....
all you can do now is to find what you are good at and try to accomplish what you need to do. try to get back to shape in your studying...try to be sharp again..yeah, it will be hard but you need to to try...for your sake...you mum and family believes in you and have faith in you...be sharp..that's the point and try to accomplish and practise everything...try hard to...
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
I don't know Edmund...what is the meaning of your life? you really have no idea. You live everyday just breathing by with no reason at all. You sit in the sun and you ask yourself that question. The question of why you are here. You do not know. You just feel that feeling inside of you from the past. The past in Singapore....the past in Puerto Rico. You just do not know what you really are here for. You simply have no clue....you are lost..you are lost like you always say..you seem to think not of where you are ...you think that you are in the a perfect world that is by rules...when this is not true....it ain't true...you need to work hard in this world. it is the truth....You sit here and ou ask for love...but you don't have it because you need a break from the horrible things that you have been doing. It might be fine if you 'kill' people on unreal..but doing it for many times is not all that great . No. ..
What is the meaning of life? Its is not girls bcause I know I can live without them..I have been living without them for about almos all my life. ..almost all my life..I have yet to reach that period when I need to get serious....that special someone will come one day...ys she will..but not now...no not now...that person has to be someone you like and are attracted to...you cannot pursue someone that you do not like....it is not morally right...no it is not....but sometimes you think that you are not in the position to choose. no that you in no position at all...because you are Edmund. Not in shape at all....not at all. You are in bad shape atheletically. You are depressed...how could a girl even like you? hahahaha...this is funny...ha...no it isn't , you think it is funny because you don't want to belive your situation. The situation that you are in right now..you are confused....you don't know what you are aiming for...the confidence is gone...the confidence you had just disappeared...and I do not know where it went...no idea where it went....you are not an adult yet, because..see you do not and are not able to make good decisions that will affect your life. decisions that has consequences....
now I am crying........because no one really understands me...and I am all alone here in a place where everyone knows everyone else.... help I cry and no one can help me...why won't people just understand ..that maybe Jesus is not what I need...no that it is not what I need.....I just need someone to hug me when I am in my room and feeling down..I just someone to do that...I am feeling sad and I need someone who can care for just a moment.....that is why I want a girlfriend and that my man..is the wrong reason for pusuing one...it simply is a bad reason for pursuing a girl...because you are pursuing a girl for your own selfish reasons without realizing her own reasons for being there....for her feelings..you care about what people think that you do not realize that people can never always be happy..this is soo complicated that understanding it is beyond me....It is just byonf me..I just think that it is beyond me...yes it is....
that is why i am Edmund....that is why i like to listen to sad songs ...because this world just seems to be such a sad world...it seems to be such a sad world....';
so sad....I do not understand it..and I am lost in it......only music can be so peaceful...to my ears..so relaxing to me....only music...only music.....Because i know that I am a sensitive person..not a shy person..but a sensitive person that will feel bad when someone thinks bad of me...that is why I appear shy..because I do not want to see their reaction...I can't bear to see their reaction to me....because when I see it....that image will stay in me...forever...that image of rejection..that feeling of not living up to the expectations of the people around me.......
"She.... maybe be the face I can't forget ..the trace of pleasure or regret.....she.."
I can't love anyone....it just ain't there..the abiity...I can only love those that love me already...my sisters..and my dad...yes..my dad..I know he loves me..yes I do...he's always been there for me...I hae misunderstood him..so much I have..I am sorry dad..for everything..for wasting your money ..for not being able to get a girl at all...I'm sorry for not being able to do that great things you are known for...cooking...business....no..I cannot achieve that...I'm sorry...I am just not able to do it...I'm sorry....I'm sorry....I'm sorry mom...I'm sorry....all...I'm sorry to everyone I know...I'm sorry for letting you all down...I'm sorry Stanley..I'm sorry CIndy...I'm sorry Jany...ahhha...I'm soooorry....;(...I am just soo lost and I do not know what I want to do...or who I am...I'm sorry...I'm Sorry.......I lost it all....I'm sorry...I'm sorry....I'm sorry to my teachers...that I failed you all....I'm sorry...I'm sorry....
SOmetimes I just want to be away for a while...because I am just so wrong I have so much wrong...I have.....I'm Ignacio...I'm sorry Michael....I'm sorry man..Brian....I'm sorry...William....I'm so sorry.....that I wasn't the guy you guys wanted me to be..I tried but I just can't seem to be that person....I just can't do it....I'm sorry......
You know what you must do..you have to let go...you have to let go...your heart tells you that..that you have to let go of the stress...all the stress has to leave....all of it.....all. of it.....All the influences of people...you need to do what you believe in ...you need to believe in that....yes, you need to.
man...I am mad I think...I don't know....it is just that I did not know that so many things were happening behind my back..I did not know that so couples existed behind my back..so many crushes..adn alll.....why?..I do not know...ahhhh!!!! I'm mad mmmmad...I am angry..I do not why....there goes her....with june...there goes jenny with the other guy....its pretty much all gone..I am glad I did not go to the semiformal..I am sooo glad...because I had more fun being in the final four than being at the party...
that isn't true.....you were sad all this time.....fell bad edmund...you even tried to ask jenny, and she said that she is busy...oh well...no chance then...no chance ever...non at all....oh well...jus be yourself...edmund...just learn to live by your own rules and to be Edmund...because that's your only chance to live life to the fullest and to enjoy it all...yes..anyway later the Edmund.